so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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