Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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