Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
