I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize