you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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