Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
