I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
