I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The beer is more important than you right now.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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