i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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