life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
