oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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