My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The air was thick with penises
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
