Plan B is the new Plan A
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
