I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
