i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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