Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
