I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
