i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
