the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
