Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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