You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
