Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
