is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
