you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
