they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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