Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
