i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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