You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I am spending my child support on dildos
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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