u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
