Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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