Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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