Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
