I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I booty called her while she was in labor.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
