but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
