if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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