Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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