i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
