Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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