He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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