Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
