Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
