i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
