take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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