You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
