I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize