The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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