So drunk its hurt
i think my mom watched the whole time
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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