she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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