After last night, I could never be a politician.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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