Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
