I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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