you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
