Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
