she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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