And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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