We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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