Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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