Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
