Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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