Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
