We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
